By Dr. Travis Bradberry
When youâre a nice person, conflict can be a real challenge. Not that mean people are any better at conflict; they just enjoy it more.
New research from Columbia University shows that how you handle conflict can make or break your career. The researchers measured something scientifically that many of us have seen firsthandâpeople who are too aggressive in conflict situations harm their performance by upsetting and alienating their peers, while people who are too passive at handling conflict hinder their ability to reach their goals.
How To Handle Conflict Assertively
Itâs easy to think that nice people are too passive. While thatâs often true, unchecked passivity can boil over into aggression. So there are plenty of very nice people out there who have exhibited both extremes of the assertiveness spectrum.
To be assertive, you need to learn to engage in healthy conflict. Healthy conflict directly and constructively addresses the issue at hand without ignoring or trivializing the needs of either party. The strategies that follow will get you there.
1. Consider the repercussions of silence. Sometimes itâs hard to muster the motivation to speak up when the likelihood is high that things will turn ugly. The fastest way to motivate yourself to act is to fully consider the costs of not speaking upâtheyâre typically far greater than not standing up for yourself. The trick is that you need to shift your attention away from the headache that will come with getting involved to all of the things you stand to gain from your assertiveness.
2. Say âandâ instead of âbut.â The simple act of replacing the word âbutâ with âandâ makes conflict much more constructive and collaborative. Say, for example, that your teammate John wants to use the majority of your budget on a marketing campaign, but youâre worried that doing so wonât leave enough money for a critical new hire. Instead of saying, âI see that you want to use the money for marketing, but I think we need to make a new hire,â say âI see that you want to use the money for marketing, and I think we need to make a new hire.â The difference is subtle, but the first sentence minimizes the value of his idea. The second sentence states the problem as you see it, without devaluing his idea, which then opens things up for discussion. Saying âandâ makes the other party feel like youâre working with them, rather than against them.
3. Use hypotheticals. When you assert yourself, you donât want it to look like youâre poking holes in their idea (even when you are). Hypotheticals are the perfect way to pull this off. Telling someone, for example, âYour new product idea wonât work because you overlooked how the sales team operatesâ comes across much more aggressively than suggesting the hypothetical, âHow do you think our sales team will go about selling this new product?â When you see a flaw and present a hypothetical, youâre engaging with the original idea and giving the other party a chance to explain how it might work. This shows that youâre willing to hear the other person out.
4. Donât speak in absolutes (âYou Alwaysâ or âYou Never.â) No one always or never does anything. People donât see themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldnât attempt to define them as such. Using these phrases during conflict makes people defensive and closed off to your message. Instead, point out what the other person did thatâs a problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an issue, you can always say, âIt seems like you do this often.â or âYou do this often enough for me to notice.â
5. Ask good questions until you get to the heart of the matter. Failing to understand the motive behind someoneâs behavior throws fuel on the fire of conflict, because it makes everything they do appear foolish and shortsighted. Instead of pointing out flaws, you should seek to understand where the other person is coming from. Try asking good questions, such as Why did you choose to do it that way? What do you mean by that? and Can you help me to understand this better? Even when you donât see eye to eye, using questions to get to the underlying motive builds trust and understanding, both of which are conflict killers.
6. When you challenge, offer solutions. People donât like it when they feel as if youâre attempting to take apart their idea right off the bat. When you challenge someoneâs idea, but also offer a solution, you demonstrate that you want to work together to come up with a fix. This reinforces the value of their idea, even if itâs full of holes. For example, you might say âOne potential problem that I see with your idea is ___. However, I think we can overcome this problem if we can just figure out a way to___.â In this example, you arenât even providing the solution. Youâre just acknowledging that youâre willing to work together to find one.
Bringing It All Together
Mastering conflict requires emotional intelligence. Emotionally intelligent people know how to craft their message in a conflict, whether theyâre naturally assertive or not. They take other peopleâs feelings into account while still asserting themselves confidently.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Travis Bradberry, Ph.D.
Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning coauthor of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and the cofounder of TalentSmartEQÂź the worldâs leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries.
Dr. Bradberry is a LinkedIn Influencer and a regular contributor to Forbes, Inc., Entrepreneur, The World Economic Forum, and The Huffington Post. He has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Fast Company, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.