When it comes to communication, we all tend to think weâre pretty good at it. Truth is, even those of us who are good communicators arenât nearly as good as we think we are. This overestimation of our ability to communicate is magnified when interacting with people we know well.
Researchers at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business put this theory to the test and what they discovered is startling. In the study, the researchers paired subjects with people they knew well and then again with people theyâd never met. The researchers discovered that people who knew each other well understood each other no better than people whoâd just met! Even worse, participants frequently overestimated their ability to communicate, and this was more pronounced with people they knew well.
âOur problem in communicating with friends is that we have an illusion of insight,â said study co-author Nicholas Epley. âGetting close to someone appears to create the illusion of understanding more than actual understanding.â
When communicating with people we know well, we make presumptions about what they understandâpresumptions that we donât dare make with strangers. This tendency to overestimate how well we communicate (and how well weâre understood) is so prevalent that psychologists even have a name for it: closeness-communication bias.
âThe understanding, âWhat I know is different from what you knowâ is essential for effective communication,â said study lead Kenneth Savitsky, âbut that insight can be elusive. Some [people] may indeed be on the same wavelength, but maybe not as much as they think. You get rushed and preoccupied, and you stop taking the perspective of the other person.â
Taking Action
Communication is the real work of leadership; you simply canât become a great leader until you are a great communicator. Great communicators inspire people. They create a connection that is real, emotional, and personal. And great communicators forge this connection through an understanding of people and an ability to speak directly to their needs in a manner that they are ready to hear.
âThe single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.â âGeorge Bernard Shaw
The eight strategies that follow will help you to overcome the communication bias that tends to hold us back with everyone we encounter, especially those we know well. Apply these strategies and watch your communication skills reach new heights.
1. Speak to groups as individuals. As a leader, you often have to speak to groups of people. Whether a small team meeting or a company-wide gathering, you need to develop a level of intimacy in your approach that makes each individual in the room feel as if youâre speaking directly to him or her. The trick is to eliminate the distraction of the crowd so that you can deliver your message just as you would if you were talking to a single person. You want to be emotionally genuine and exude the same feelings, energy, and attention you would one-on-one (as opposed to the anxiety that comes with being in front of people). The ability to pull this off is the hallmark of great leadership communication.
2. Talk so people will listen. Great communicators read their audience (groups and individuals) carefully to ensure they arenât wasting their breath on a message that people arenât ready to hear. Talking so people will listen means you adjust your message on the fly to stay with your audience (what theyâre ready to hear and how theyâre ready to hear it). Droning on to ensure youâve said what you wanted to say does not have the same effect on people as engaging them in a meaningful dialogue in which there is an exchange of ideas. Resist the urge to drive your point home at all costs. When your talking leads to people asking good questions, you know youâre on the right track.
3. Listen so people will talk. One of the most disastrous temptations for a leader is to treat communication as a one-way street. When you communicate, you must give people ample opportunity to speak their minds. If you find that youâre often having the last word in conversations, then this is likely something you need to work on.
Listening isnât just about hearing words; itâs also about listening to the tone, speed, and volume of the voice. What is being said? Anything not being said? What hidden messages below the surface exist? When someone is talking to you, stop everything else and listen fully until the other person has finished speaking. When you are on a phone call, donât type an email. When youâre meeting with someone, close the door and sit near the person so you can focus and listen. Simple behaviors like these will help you stay in the present moment, pick up on the cues the other person sends, and make it clear that you will really hear what he or she is saying.
4. Connect emotionally. Maya Angelou said it best: âPeople will forget what you said and did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.â As a leader, your communication is impotent if people donât connect with it on an emotional level. This is hard for many leaders to pull off because they feel they need to project a certain persona. Let that go. To connect with your people emotionally, you need to be transparent. Be human. Show them what drives you, what you care about, what makes you get out of bed in the morning. Express these feelings openly, and youâll forge an emotional connection with your people.
5. Read body language. Your authority makes it hard for people to say whatâs really on their minds. No matter how good a relationship you have with your subordinates, you are kidding yourself if you think they are as open with you as they are with their peers. So, you must become adept at understanding unspoken messages. The greatest wealth of information lies in peopleâs body language. The body communicates nonstop and is an abundant source of information, so purposefully watch body language during meetings and casual conversation. Once you tune into body language, the messages will become loud and clear. Pay as much attention to what isnât said as what is said, and youâll uncover facts and opinions that people are unwilling to express directly.
6. Prepare your intent. A little preparation goes a long way toward saying what you wanted to say and having a conversation achieve its intended impact. Donât prepare a speech; develop an understanding of what the focus of a conversation needs to be (in order for people to hear the message) and how you will accomplish this. Your communication will be more persuasive and on point when you prepare your intent ahead of time.
7. Skip the jargon. The business world is filled with jargon and metaphors that are harmless when people can relate to them. Problem is, most leaders overuse jargon and alienate their subordinates and customers with their âbusiness speak.â Use it sparingly if you want to connect with your people. Otherwise, youâll come across as insincere.
8. Practice active listening. Active listening is a simple technique that ensures people feel heard, an essential component of good communication. To practice active listening:
- Spend more time listening than you do talking.
- Do not answer questions with questions.
- Avoid finishing other peopleâs sentences.
- Focus more on the other person than you do on yourself.
- Focus on what people are saying right now, not on what their interests are.
- Reframe what the other person has said to make sure you understand him or her correctly (âSo youâre telling me that this budget needs further consideration, right?â)
- Think about what youâre going to say after someone has finished speaking, not while he or she is speaking.
- Ask plenty of questions.
- Never interrupt.
- Donât take notes.
Bringing It All Together
As you work to employ these strategies, try to avoid biting off more than you can chew. Working on one to three strategies at a time is sufficient. If you try to take on more than you can handle, youâre not going to see as much progress as you would if you narrowed your focus. Once you become effective in one particular strategy, you can take on another one in its place. Communication is a dynamic element of leadership that is intertwined in most of what you do each day. Youâll have ample opportunity to improve your abilities in this critical skill.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Travis Bradberry, Ph.D.
Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning coauthor of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and the cofounder of TalentSmartEQÂź the worldâs leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries.
Dr. Bradberry is a LinkedIn Influencer and a regular contributor to Forbes, Inc., Entrepreneur, The World Economic Forum, and The Huffington Post. He has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Fast Company, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.