By Dr. Travis Bradberry
We all reach critical points in our lives where our mental strength is tested. It might be a toxic friend or colleague, a dead-end job, or a struggling relationship. Whatever the challenge, you have to see things through a new lens, and take decisive action if you want to move through it successfully.
It sounds easy, but it isnât.
Itâs fascinating how mentally strong people set themselves apart from the crowd. Where others see impenetrable barriers, they see challenges to overcome.
Too many people succumb to the mistaken belief that mental strength comes from natural, unteachable traits that belong only to a lucky few. Itâs easy to fall prey to this misconception. In reality, mental strength is under your control, and itâs a matter of emotional intelligence (EQ).
When it first appeared to the masses, emotional intelligence served as the missing link in a peculiar finding: people with average IQs outperform those with the highest IQs 70% of the time. This anomaly threw a massive wrench into the broadly held assumption that IQ was the most important source of success.
Decades of research now point to EQ being the critical factor that sets star performers apart from the rest of the pack. The connection is so strong that 90% of top performers have high EQ.
Emotional intelligence is the âsomethingâ in each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we manage behavior, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions to achieve positive results.
Despite the significance of EQ, its intangible nature makes it very difficult to know how much you have and what you can do to improve it if you lack it. You can always take a scientifically validated test, such as the one that comes with the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
Unfortunately, quality (scientifically valid) EQ tests arenât free, so Iâve analyzed the data from the million-plus people TalentSmartEQ has tested in order to identify the behaviors that are the hallmarks of a high EQ. This data shows that what you donât do is just as important as what you do when it comes to EQ.
The beauty of EQ is that itâs a flexible skill that you can easily improve with effort. Absolutely anyone can enhance their EQ by emulating the habits of emotionally intelligent people. If youâre up for it, start with these critical things that emotionally intelligent people are careful to avoid. They consciously avoid these behaviors because they are tempting and easy to fall into if one isnât careful.
1. They donât stay in their comfort zone. Self-awareness is the foundation of EQ, and increasing your self-awareness isnât comfortable. You canât increase your EQ without pushing yourself to discover what you need to work on and what you should be doing differently. This is hard because when you take a really good look at yourself, you arenât going to like everything you see. Itâs more comfortable to keep the blinders on, but they make certain that youâll never have a high EQ.
2. They donât give in to fear. They say that bravery is being scared to death to do something and doing it anyway. Many times, thatâs true, even when it comes to your career. The fear doesnât have to come from something as extreme as rushing into a burning building; it can be a fear of public speaking or going out on a limb to try for a promotion. If you use fear as an excuse not to do something, youâve already lost. Itâs not that emotionally intelligent people arenât afraidâthey simply pick themselves up and fight on regardless of the fear.
3. They donât stop believing in themselves. Emotionally intelligent people persevere. They donât give up in the face of failure, and they donât give up because theyâre tired or uncomfortable. Theyâre focused on their goals, not on momentary feelings, and that keeps them going even when things are hard. They donât take failing to mean that theyâre a failure. Likewise, they donât let the opinions of others keep them from chasing their dreams. When someone says, âYouâll never be able to do that,â they regard it as one personâs opinion, which is all it is.
4. They donât beg for attention. People who are always begging for attention are needy. They rely on that attention from other people to form their self-identity. Emotionally intelligent people couldnât care less about attention. They do what they want to do and what needs to be done, regardless of whether anyone is stroking their ego.
5. They donât act like jerks. People who act like jerks are unhappy and insecure. They act like jerks because they donât have the emotional strength to be nice when they donât feel like it. Emotionally intelligent people place high value on their relationships, which means they treat everyone with respect, regardless of the kind of mood theyâre in.
6. They donât hold grudges. The negative emotions that come with holding onto a grudge are actually a stress response. Holding onto that stress wreaks havoc on your body and can have devastating health consequences over time. Researchers at Emory University have shown that holding onto stress contributes to high blood pressure and heart disease. Holding onto a grudge means youâre holding onto stress, and emotionally intelligent people know to avoid this at all costs.
7. They donât hang around negative people. Negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to negative people because they donât want to be seen as callous or rude, but thereâs a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear to someone and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral. Emotionally intelligent people avoid getting drawn in by setting limits and distancing themselves from negative people when necessary. Think of it this way: If a person were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? Youâd distance yourself, and you should do the same with negative people.
8. They donât feel sorry for themselves. Hereâs the worst thing about feeling sorry for yourself, other than it being annoying, of course: it shifts your locus of control outside yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself is, in essence, declaring that youâre a helpless victim of circumstance. Emotionally intelligent people never feel sorry for themselves because that would mean giving up their power.
9. They donât feel entitled. Emotionally intelligent people believe that the world is a meritocracy and that the only things that they deserve are those that they earn. People who lack EQ often feel entitled. They think that the world owes them something. Again, itâs about locus of control. Emotionally intelligent people know that they alone are responsible for their successes or failures.
10. They donât close their minds. When people close their minds to new information or opinions, itâs typically because they find them threatening. They think that admitting that someone else is right means that theyâre wrong, and thatâs very uncomfortable for people lacking EQ. Emotionally intelligent people arenât threatened by new things; theyâre open to new information and new ideas, even if it means admitting that they are wrong.
11. They donât let anyone limit their joy. When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from comparing yourself with others, you are no longer the master of your own happiness. When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something theyâve done, they donât let anyoneâs opinions or accomplishments take that away from them. While itâs impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you donât have to compare yourself with others, and you can always take peopleâs opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what other people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within. Regardless of what people think of you at any particular moment, one thing is certainâyouâre never as good or bad as they say you are.
12. They donât get eaten up by jealousy and envy. Emotionally intelligent people understand that the happiness and success of others doesnât take away from their own, so jealousy and envy arenât an issue for them. They see success as being in unlimited supply, so they can celebrate othersâ successes.
13. They donât live in the past. Failure can erode your self-confidence and make it hard to believe youâll achieve a better outcome in the future. Most of the time, failure results from taking risks and trying to achieve things that arenât easy. Emotionally intelligent people know that success lies in their ability to rise in the face of failure, and they canât do this if theyâre living in the past. Anything worth achieving is going to require your taking some risks, and you canât allow failure to stop you from believing in your ability to succeed. When you live in the past, that is exactly what happensâyour past becomes your present and prevents you from moving forward.
Bringing It All Together
Improving your emotional intelligence is the single most important thing you can do to advance your career. The good news is that you can make it happen with a little determination, effort, and a good model to follow.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Travis Bradberry, Ph.D.
Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning coauthor of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and the cofounder of TalentSmartEQÂź the worldâs leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries.
Dr. Bradberry is a LinkedIn Influencer and a regular contributor to Forbes, Inc., Entrepreneur, The World Economic Forum, and The Huffington Post. He has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Fast Company, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.