Isabel sat in her office staring at the performance reviews spread across her desk. Budget season at her firm meant layoffs, and even her best teams wouldn’t be spared.
When Kelvin, her top-performing manager, came in for his review, she expected to breeze through praise and then move to the hard reality. But instead of his usual direct and confident demeanor, Kelvin sank into the chair. His shoulders slumped. His voice was quiet.
“I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this,” he admitted.
This was the same manager who had built a tight-knit, high-performing team. The same leader who had just spent days encouraging his people with glowing reviews and promises of growth. Now he was faced with walking back those assurances. His embarrassment was visible. His fear of losing trust, palpable.
Isabel realized that all the leadership training she’d ever taken — strategy, candor, decision-making — had never prepared her for this. For the raw, roiling emotions of another human being. And her own emotions were no less complicated: sadness, frustration, and the quiet panic of wondering whether she might lose Kelvin altogether.
What do leaders owe their people in moments like these?
Leadership Is Always Emotional
We often talk about leadership as if it’s purely strategic: setting direction, making decisions, and driving execution. But at its core, leadership is a relationship. It happens between people. And wherever there are relationships, there are emotions.
Leadership is not just a rational act, it is emotional labor. Leaders don’t just manage projects and processes; they manage fear, frustration, motivation, disappointment, and hope — in themselves and in others. And the truth is, even the most strategic decisions and well-planned initiatives create emotional reactions. Employees may feel excited about a new opportunity, anxious about looming changes, or frustrated by a decision they don’t understand. Every strategy, every choice, lands on people who experience it not just logically, but emotionally.
Too often, leaders think of emotions as distractions; inconvenient side effects of being human at work. But ignoring emotions doesn’t make them go away. In fact, it often amplifies them.
The truth is, leadership is often emotional first, strategic second. Influence always runs through emotions before it lands on outcomes.
Why EQ Is the Leadership Skill That Matters Now
If emotions have always been central to leadership, why does it feel more pressing now?
Because the context of work has changed. Remote and hybrid work stripped away the subtle cues leaders once relied on — the sigh in a meeting, the slumped shoulders walking out of a conference room. Employees feel more isolated, stressed, and stretched before the workday even begins.
At the same time, artificial intelligence has automated much of what was once considered “specialized” knowledge work. Leaders are now less differentiated by what they know and more by how they connect.
- AI can generate a performance review, but it can’t deliver it with empathy.
- AI can write an apology, but it can’t rebuild trust.
- AI can recommend who to lay off, but it can’t sit across from Kelvin and hold space for his fear.
Technical skills are no longer the differentiator. Emotional intelligence is.
Three Emotional Dimensions of Leadership
In our work with executives, we’ve found it helpful to think of leadership in three dimensions — each charged with its own emotional dynamics.
1. Anticipation: Leading the Future
Leaders must constantly read the signs of change and help their people face uncertainty. Change evokes fear, anxiety, even grief. An emotionally intelligent leader doesn’t dismiss those feelings; they name them.
Simple shifts in language matter:
- “What’s your first reaction to this change?”
- “Let’s talk through what we know — and what we don’t.”
By validating the emotions of uncertainty, leaders build trust while keeping people focused on what is within their control.
2. Participation: Leading the Work
Participation is where strategy meets action — setting goals, delegating, giving feedback. These tasks sound rational but are deeply emotional.
- Goal setting can inspire or overwhelm. Leaders who tune into whether goals feel meaningful versus demoralizing know when to recalibrate.
- Delegation often feels like empowerment to one person and rejection to another. Leaders who frame delegation as confidence, not offloading, inspire ownership.
- Feedback stirs defensiveness because the brain processes criticism as pain. Leaders who create emotional safety turn feedback into growth instead of shame.
3. Cooperation: Leading Relationships
Cooperation is the relational infrastructure of leadership. It’s listening, collaborating, and managing conflict.
Listening sounds simple, but deep listening changes the game. When leaders listen without rushing to fix, they communicate, “You matter.” That’s the foundation of trust.
Conflict, too, is emotional by nature. Avoidance often feels safer, but unresolved tension corrodes performance. High-EQ leaders reframe conflict as important — “This is uncomfortable, but it probably means it matters.”
Anticipation, participation, cooperation — three leadership dimensions, each demanding emotional intelligence.
How Leaders Can Grow Their EQ
The best news is this: emotional intelligence isn’t fixed. It’s not a personality trait you either have or don’t. It’s a skillset. And like any skillset, it can be developed with intention, attention, and practice.
Here are four practical ways to start:
1. Journal for Self-Awareness
Take five minutes at the end of the day. Write:
- What did I feel strongly today?
- What triggered it?
- How did I respond?
- What impact did it have on others?
Journaling builds emotional granularity — the ability to name your emotions precisely (“overwhelmed,” not just “stressed”). Leaders with richer emotional vocabularies regulate better and connect more authentically.
2. Practice Micro-Regulation
When triggered, pause. Name the feeling: “I’m angry.” Then ask: “What would the composed version of me do right now?” Acting from that perspective interrupts reactivity and builds trust.
3. Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary
Words create awareness — and leaders set the tone. If you simply tell your team you’re “frustrated,” it can shut down dialogue or create defensiveness. Instead, try being more precise:
- “I feel concerned that we may miss this deadline.”
- “I feel unclear about how decisions are being communicated across the team.”
- “I feel disappointed that we didn’t get the result we expected, but I’m eager to learn from it together.”
The more accurately you name what you’re experiencing, the more likely others are to understand your perspective and respond constructively. By modeling this kind of emotional precision, you invite your team to do the same, strengthening trust and relationships.
4. Observe the Room
In your next meeting, spend 90 seconds saying nothing. Notice body language, tone, who speaks and who doesn’t. Ask yourself: “What’s the emotional current here?” You’ll learn more in silence than in a dozen rushed updates.
The Leadership Choice
Back to Isabel and Kelvin.
Faced with a high-performing leader in crisis, Isabel could have defaulted to what many leaders do: nod politely, steer back to goals, move on. Instead, she paused. She let silence stretch. She asked questions. She listened, not for efficiency, but for meaning.
She didn’t try to fix anything for Kelvin in that moment. She offered presence. She named what was hard. And in doing so, she gave him space to process and reframe.
That’s emotional intelligence in action.
A Nudge for Leaders
Leadership is emotional. The question isn’t whether you’ll face emotions (your own and others’) but whether you’ll lead with and through them or be led by them.
Here’s your challenge:
- Reflect on a recent leadership moment that carried emotional weight. How did you respond? What impact did it have?
- Choose one EQ skill to practice this week — journaling, pausing, naming, or observing.
- Commit to treating emotions not as distractions but as data.
Because in a world of complexity, compression, and constant change, emotional intelligence is not a “soft skill.” It may just be the leadership skill.
References
Barrett, L. F. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Barsade, S. G. (2002). The ripple effect: Emotional contagion and its influence on group behavior. Administrative Science Quarterly, 47(4), 644-675. http://www.jstor.org/stable/3094912
Blankenship, R. (2024). Everyday Leadership: A Guide to Developing Your Mindset as a Leader. Routledge.
Bradberry, T., & Greaves, J. (2009). Emotional intelligence 2.0. TalentSmartEQ.
Brackett, M. (2019). Permission to Feel. Celadon Books.
Sass, M. (2024, December 5). Why AI needs emotional intelligence to lead the future. TalentSmartEQ. https://www.talentsmarteq.com/why-ai-needs-emotional-intelligence-to-lead-the-future/